Ahhh, just a nice Tuesday night here at the house (yes, I've been drinking wine...don't judge). It's a little after 8pm and I FINALLY finished cleaning the kitchen. My husband is home for the night. Yes, he did just leave two days ago, came home tonight at 7:30 and will be gone to leave town again by 6 in the morning! He's working the Pink Pony shift as a husband apparently.
Since I only had my dude home for a few hours tonight (don't worry, I'm not ignoring him, he's actually WORKING on his laptop) I thought I would make him a nice dinner. And anyone that knows both of us knows two important facts: 1) I am not able to cook a meal that is real food, 2) Jrock only eats healthy recipes. And by healthy, I mean I'm pretty limited on what I can make that he will actually eat (grilled chicken, vegetables, grilled chicken, fish, grilled chicken). I am terrified of giving us food poisoning from undercooked meat, so I limit most of my cooking to baking, the Forman, and a crockpot. True Story. But tonight I wanted to try and surprise him with something that he would be glad to eat...a recipe that fits into his Paleo diet. What's a Paleo diet? Oh just a diet that is restricted to foods that you could find during the Paleolithic period. As in hunters and gathers, cavemen, stone age, primal beings eating meats, seafood, nuts, berries and whatever boring shit you might come across back then. It's apparently all the rage, and what better way to become a modern day Susie Homemaker than to make my insane (did I just type that) husband a dish that is comprised of such simple, yet delicious, ingredients?? After researching the internet for amazing recipes like pumpkin pancakes, turkey gizzards with nuts, and human flesh...I finally found one that he might like: Pork chops with onions and apples.
I rushed home to get all my "fixins" together to have them in the oven in time for his arrival. I followed the recipe almost exactly, and by the time Jrock made it home I seriously couldn't contain my shit eating grin for how proud I was of myself. Nevermind that I was following a diet based on cavemen that were complete savages...that wasn't important, what was, was that I managed to a cook a meal. A real meal. That even followed some dietary (although strange) restrictions. When we finally sat down to taste our amazing meal I was beyond excited. What would he say? How much praise would I get for this one? I just knew this was going to be healthy and delicious, why else would these people rant and rave about it online?
I finally got the first bite in my mouth...hmm, something must be off. Maybe I didn't get enough apple in with the pork. Try again...nope, still bland. I finally realized, anyone that's strange enough to revert to methods cavemen used isn't probably going to be on the same culinary page as a girl that uses more condiments in one meal than most restaurants probably go through in an evening. This is also when Jrock informs me that he's not really on this diet, and that I might find it a bit boring. I then gave in, scraped off the onions and apples (they became a side dish) and grabbed a bottle of bbq sauce. No way I was wasting my food, but definitely wasn't subjecting myself to bland food...life's just too short. So in true white trash fashion, I consumed my meal, happily, with ranch dressing and bbq sauce all over my plate. And washed it down with white wine. There's a reason we as humans have advanced over the years, and to the whole Paleo diet followers, I just have to ask...what the f*ck?!?
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